Life Lessons After My 3-Year-Long Break-Up.
Relationships.
You gotta love them. Right?
Life’s constantly teaching us valuable lessons with many coming from relationships.
Think about it —
Lessons in listening, communicating, compromising, acceptance, and forgiveness.
At the naive age of 15, my relationship with my ex began and snowballed into a 15+ year rollercoaster ride.
After a marriage, two kids, and divorce topped with years of a toxic back-and-forth ride I’ve finally turned the chapter. Praise Jesus!
For many a breakup sticks after the first, second, or heck even the third attempt. Mine lasted…. drum roll, please…..
3-YEARS!!
You read that right.
Three painstakingly long years filled with lessons that I’ll carry until the end of my glory days here on Earth.
I share my experiences with anyone who can resonate or walk away making a positive change for themselves. Or for those to simply say “That isn’t going to be my story”.
First Lesson
The Art of Self-Worth
At 15 my priority was memorizing dance moves from music videos and naturally, trying to be popular in school.
The only relationship dynamic I had to go by at that point was my parent's marriage.
Not all bad, but not all good.
It was more giving on my mom’s end and taking from my dad. My mother’s role is something I instantly shape-shifted into when my love story began.
Before I knew it, I was working, cooking, cleaning, and keeping him happy while smiling and staying submissive.
15-year-old me believed that was the core foundation of keeping your man happy.
Don’t get me wrong. My mom didn’t just roll over and take shit. She was a tough cookie in her ways, but being a people pleaser my submissiveness grew the longer my relationship lasted.
After years of bullshit, the tolerance of an angel, and constant rejection the value of knowing your self-worth is p.r.i.c.e.l.e.s.s.
The most courageous action you can do for yourself is to walk away from a relationship that is no longer serving you.
Listen to your gut feeling. You can feel it in your bones when things aren’t working anymore.
What you decide to do after is key.
Don’t spend years romanticizing a fantasy that’ll never be your reality.
Walk away, heal, find yourself again, and move on gracefully. The longer you avoid the inevitable, you’re hitting the ‘pause’ button on what is truly meant to be for you.
Time is energy➡ Energy is currency ➡ Treat it as such
Lesson Two
Self Advocacy
If I had a dollar for every moment throughout those 15 years that I held myself back from speaking up on how I truly felt I would’ve retired at the age of 30 and writing this blog from Italy.
It’s taken years to shift my perspective and understand that by avoiding confrontation I’m only hurting myself.
Taking the high road and biting my tongue added to my rock-bottom self-esteem. It also compounded my resentment and frustration of being misunderstood.
Once you decide to move forward with your journey of self-discovery and healing, you’ll soon realize that the magic happens in the most uncomfortable spaces.
This GIF can speak for us all.
If I had fiercely advocated for myself years earlier my journey would’ve been different, no doubt about it. But, I’ve learned and accepted that everything happens for a reason.
In those reasons are the lessons.
Today, I know this —
Nobody can speak up for me: If something is on your mind, share it. Mind readers don’t exist. Nobody who truly loves and cares for you will walk out of your life because you spoke up for yourself.
Staying quiet only hurts you: No amount of self-sacrifice is worth trying to keep the peace and muting your emotions. You’ll internally suffer and feel unhappy. And that’s not ok!
Speak, Listen, and Resolve: Once you’ve said your peace it’s important to listen and resolve the matter. Life’s too short to carry around dead weight.
Lesson Three
You Can’t Change Them
For years I imagined a fairytale ending that had me dazed and confused.
I would think to myself, “One day he is going to roll over, look at me and promise himself to do whatever needs to be done to keep our relationship and family together”.
Looking back I realized that I fell in love with what could’ve been versus accepting the reality of what is.
No matter how beautiful I tried to look, how often I cooked and cleaned it wasn’t going to make a difference in the inevitable outcome of my relationship.
You can’t love someone hard enough that it’ll force them to change, especially when they don’t see anything wrong with their actions.
The only control you have is yourself.
My journey shifted drastically when I began loving myself as tenaciously I did him.
I reclaimed the same compassion, understanding, and patience I showered him with and instead gave it to myself.
If the person you’re with isn’t capable of receiving the beauty of your love, learn to receive it for yourself.
Self-love Affirmations for the Soul
“If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.” — Charles Bukowski
“Self-care is never a selfish act — it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.” — Parker Palmer
“One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.”―Shannon L. Alder
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”―Jennifer Elisabeth
“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.”―Eartha Kitt
I’ve accepted past decisions. I no longer regret not doing things differently, especially now that I know better.
Hindsight is always 50/50.
But therapy, journaling, and growth have helped me to better understand that everything happened the way it was meant to happen.
What counts most is doing things differently moving forward.
What’s your biggest lesson/takeaway from a break-up? Comment below and share. Somebody out there needs to hear it.
Sharing experiences and covering a variety of wellness topics is my thing…
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